Warning: I am about to vent here so if you can't handle it you better move on.
Today I am angry, frustrated, and downright sad.
I hate the feelings that are associated with being a pastor. I hate the lonliness and isolation from people who really care about me, my support system. I hate that I have no support like extended family around me, in particular those who have a love and interest for my kids. I hate not having people interested enough to talk to my kids let alone want to spend time with them, play with them. I would give my right arm to have someone who wanted to be the simulated 'aunt or uncle' or 'grandma' that they are so far away from.
I hate the feeling of being pulled in every direction. Feeling like (whether perceived or not) I have to be responsible for how people feel about themselves or their church. I hate that there are expectations (verbal or silent) that we cannot meet because we have different ideas of what church is and does.
I hate that my kids feel 'left out' and put on hold when we are doing our 'job' with church people whether at church or here at home. We are going non-stop every day and night and most of the time our kids are told to "be quiet" "act appropriately" "you have embarrassed me" "go upstairs and play" "go downsatirs".
Jacob came home last week so excited about his project on Bermuda. He identifies with it as his birthplace and is so incredibly eager to learn more about it. Everyday he has asked "mom can we go get poster board" "mom can we pick out pictures" 'Mom can we go on the internet" Each day that passes in his questioning he becomes more anxious and frustrated because everyday so far I have had to say, "Jacob I can't today I'm too busy" "Jacob you know I can't we've got people coming over."
Today Joel told me he feels left out when we have people over and he feels left out when we go to church because everyone talks to each other and no one talks to him/them (the kds).
I just want to scream or hide or runaway. It's days like today that I want to quit. It pains me to think that I don't do well at juggling kids and pastoring ( I never have). I feel that one always has to suffer for the other.
Time to end this rant...I got snot and tears all over the place!
Monday, June 06, 2005
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11 comments:
Wow, after reading it put like that, what is there to like about being a pastor? Why put yourself out there? It sounds like a community thing to me. Truly, we have 8 years as pastors in two different places and what do we have to show for it relationally? It's definitely a gone and forgotten thing. Is that worth it? Why should my kids have to feel slighted while we work for something without last? Why should we always have to be in give mode when at the end of the day (or in our case 8 years) you have nothing to show for it in regards to real community? Are we out of our friggin' minds?
Prayers your way!!! I appreciate you guys muchly!!! Thanks.
Thanks Peter.
BTW the kids love both you and Amanda and appreciate the attention you give them. I noticed Amanda talking to the boys on Sunday and it made my day (I didn't get a chance to tell her that). They will really miss you guys...so will we of course.
My statement on that end was a bit general but the feelings come from so much more than that, the situations with the kids is just an added thing, like the cherry on the sundae!
I feel bad that we (your support team) are so far away too but you musn't feel that the support is gone, even if the team isn't there. We all love you and pray for you every day! Your frustrations are understandable but they are not unique to your calling! Every working parent goes through this! Now that you've told us what you HATE about being a pastor, take a few minutes to share with us what you LOVE about being a pastor. This will serve a two-fold purpose. It will remind you of what God is doing in and through you, and it will put the run to the enemy, who is smiling right now! After that, rearrange your calendar to MAKE time for the kids. That's VITAL! it's not an option! Remember, Mom always knows best!
Love you!
I was going to tell what i love about it when I'm ready and get a chance. I'm on it.
I mention my kids a lot but it wasn't that situation that has really upset me, that is just one of those added things that nags at you from within and when someone (something) upsets you it is brought to the surface. Basically saying, "if my kids are feeling like this while I'm giving for you and you clearly don't appreciate it..."
I do make time for my kids and I never apologize for it. But my time with my kids is seperate from my time with others which is important yes, but, when others are around in an informal way, shouldn't kids be just as much a part of the fellowship as anyone else? I think so.
Are people being rude and disrespectful of my kids, NO. (I am acting like a sensitive mom).
Do I love the community I'm a part of, DEFINITELY!
This is more an inner tension that I can't explain other than to say we have a philosophy of ministry that some don't understand and therefore don't like.
Yes, you are right! Kids should be just as much a part of things as anyone else. They are not the church of tomorrow; they are part of the church today. If people don't make them feel that when they are young, they won't stick around to know it when they are older!
I have more than my share of days where I want to run and hide as well. I really wish that I were staying in the city so that I could spend more time with your kids (and you and Steve too of course!) I totally love you guys! I will never stop praying for you and your family!
Leslie, I am really sorry for how you feel. That totally sucks.
Yesterday Samantha said: "Can we go to Steve and Leslie's place and play in the sprinkler?"
We miss you guys alot.
Pernell, funny, my kids mention Samantha quite a bit too!
This post brings tears to my eyes - I read the things I love about being a pastor too, and am well aware that you are living fully on both ends, still, this post brings tears to my eyes. As a parent, I find my most difficult task is to balance nurturing my children and living my life. And when there is a disruption in our life, and my sons are a bit more fragile than usual, that balance becomes even more fraught with difficulty. True community nurtures children too - as much as we know that, saying it does not make it so. Just wanted you to know my mother's heart aches with yours.
berkley, sorry for being too honest. But this role comes with a lot of stress and pressure and someimes it gets the better of me. I won't lie, it is hard being so far away from family and it makes it even harder when all the relationships are still so new. After a few years the feelings will fade.
Also, this is a reflection of life as a pastor not just my present church.
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